I suppose it all began when I was about sixteen. Up until that point, I was quite the devote. I was told that God was my heavenly father and that he loved me but would burn me in Hell if I strayed from his path, and I believed. I was told that Jesus and angels and demons were real, and that the devil would get you if you strayed from God, or if you loved God he might get you anyways in order to punish you, and that visions, speaking in tongues, and thoughts being placed in your head by both God and the devil were part of the Christian experience. I believed. I was told that homosexuality was a sinful lifestyle choice into which selfish people strayed but often returned, and repented, sort of like drugs, I guess, except a little bit worse, and that any family members who became gay at any point should be excommunicated because they were bad people to be around. And I...well...I guess I believed that, too.
And then...well...I started to lose my way.
I started to learn I had gay friends, and that they were nice regular people. I started to realize that "Christian" and "good person" do not go hand in hand...in fact, I started to learn that in a lot of cases the opposite seemed to be true. I learned about evolution...and that science could easily counter every argument that ill-informed adults had told to me about why evolution couldn't possibly be true - and then I remembered the dinosaurs. Hmm...what about dinosaurs, God?
I started to think about my own definition of right and wrong...and how I wasn't sure that it matched up to God's definition, and this scared the shit out of me. (This is about the time I stumbled upon God advocating for genocide in the old testament - "kill everything that breaths" - and Jesus refusing a woman his healing powers because she was of a different race. Huh.) I still believed, of course, that if I didn't serve God I would burn in Hell for all of eternity where no one could hear my screams. But then I wondered...God...why would you burn me in Hell? I was led to believe God was infinitely good, and infinitely forgiving, and that my own moral standards could never match my own. And then I thought of Hitler, and child molesters, and serial killers, and I wondered if I would want them to burn in Hell. The answer is no. But if I'm capable of being a bigger person than God...then...well, the whole thing falls apart really quickly around here.
I was devastated, and terrified. I still believed I was going to Hell...sometimes, I still believe it. I convinced myself that I was being tested, and prayed to God to lead me back to him, when things were black and white and small and clear. I prayed very hard, for very long. I started investigating other religions, to see if maybe that would coax him into action. And then...God sent me a missionary.
I was eating soup in the UBC cafeteria, alone, when a man approached...may I sit down? I nodded politely. He asked if he could show me something...an informational pamphlet. I did not reply - he did not wait. He began showing be pictures of disorganized dots - my life right now, without Jesus...see, that dot's school, and that's family, and that's money, and that's health, and they're all scattered, see? I wanted to interrupt to let him know that I was already Christian (as I still considered myself to be), but he gestured dismissively...wait, it will all become clear. A second picture showed dots in a circle with a cross in the middle...this is my life if I gave myself to Jesus. You see, only Jesus can organize the dots. If I simply accept Jesus into my life, balancing school and money and health and time will no longer be issues...because Jesus will do it for me. The missionary watched me carefully for a reaction.
I paused. I... Dots? I guess, but...
The missionary continued: It's important not to trust your feelings or thoughts. You must have faith. Trust in Jesus. If you listen for His voice, God will show you the path.
The path, it seemed, led me out of the cafeteria, and down the road to Agnosticism. Thank you, God, for sending your servant to guide my way. As I looked back on the Bible, and the things I had been taught, it was like I had been blind and suddenly could see: how had I been swallowing this crap? And who teaches this stuff to children??
When agnosticism felt too passive in the warfare of human rights (denying condoms to Africans because of American Pentecostal beliefs? Picketing funerals for people who are gay, or portray gay men in cinema? Really?), I stumbled upon Athiesm, and when I realized it pissed of my mom, the title was mine for good. I still think there is more to life that we can perceive or explain...but a thousand years ago, we didn't know where the Sun went at night. That's why we're still learning.
So: Trust your thoughts, and your feelings, and your sense of compassion. Live a good life, and help others where you can. It's not religion...but it's a good thing to do.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment