An Ancient San Fransisco

Preamble: The Bible is host to a great many stories which have been told again and again throughout the ages, informing and forming our culture and guiding the doctrine of our lives. The best stories, found in the Old Testament, feature a wholesome slathering of sex, betrayal, bets with Satan, and random characters being smote. Sometimes, we can interpret stories to derive moral lessons which can form the foundation of a spiritual life and three major religions. And sometimes, they’re just good, smitey fun. Thus I present:

The Tale of Sodom and Gomorrah: An Ancient San Fransisco

Generations has passed since the time of Noah, who, good Sunday school students recall, had built an ark and gathered two of every animal (save the tardy and ill-fated unicorn). God had drowned all those not aboard the arc and, after the waters receded, He felt kind of bad about the whole thing. To make amends, He sent Noah a sign: a rainbow, as a promise of a brighter future in which the entire population of the Earth is not drowned en masse.

God’s sign to Noah can still be seen in skies today, though global warming and polar ice cap naysayers remain unconvinced that we won't all drown, and a few have postulated that the rainbow is simply an optical illusion born of water and light, or an attempt by God to frown at gay people.

Back in Genesis, however, God’s message was never questioned.

There lived the aging Abraham and Sarah.

Abraham and Sarah’s marriage had not been without its struggles. Sarah, while attractive, had been unable to bare a male heir, making her essentially useless as a wife, and as good as dead. Abraham did not say this out loud, but both spouses knew it to be true, and the ensuing stress had been the source of constant arguments and a few destroyed lives.

As the couple aged, their grief remained, but it eventually grew to be familiar and then faded to the background of an otherwise tolerable existence. Abraham’s sheep farm prospered, and they fell into a familiar pattern. Abraham would see to his sheep while Sarah tended to the house, cooking, cleaning, beating servants, and generally worshipping God in the way that good, righteous people do.

When three men appeared on Abraham’s doorstep, the couple took them in warmly and without question. Sarah served them tea and crumpets, as was only proper, and the men proved to be gracious and kind. They admired the house, and the donkey, and the accumulated jewels from a century of plunder. One turned to the aging Sarah and said:

“I see you’re pregnant, mazal tov! I sincerely hope it’s a boy!”

Sarah blushed dark red and examined herself in the mirror, noting with sadness her expanding waistline and generous belly. She wished for the days of ore, when she was known as a great beauty and was hot enough to be kidnapped as a captive bride for an Egyptian prince. Such days seemed long ago.

When their guests had left, Sarah tidied the table and began to wash the dishes, while Abraham retreated to his study and had a long conversation God.

God was in a wrathful mood that evening, engulfed in flaming rage over a certain city, known for debauchery. The city’s reputation was well-known and damning, and worse still, the people there played loud music at all hours of the night:

“I must destroy them!”

Abraham cautioned God against this, noting that surely righteous men lived in the city, too. It would be wrong to kill them along side their sinning brothers, since they were entirely innocent.

God took this in, sighing. He remembered the Great Flood of Noah’s time, and the tides of anger that had poured out of him then, the satisfaction of watching the last heathen baby drown, then the discomforting guilt that had followed. He remembered his promise to Noah. And still He was uneasy, for it had been so long since He had felt the simple pleasure of blotting out human life-

“What sort of ratio are we talking about here?” He asked, looking to Abraham intently. “I mean, if there are five hundred sinning men and only one good one, it hardly seems worth it to spare an entire city. How many innocent victims would there have to be?”

“Some people might argue that human life can’t be quantified that way.” Abraham said this quietly, hoping not the incur the wrath of his Lord.

“People are so stupid. What nonsense!” God laughed aloud at the thought. “Look, Abraham, if you expect me to not destroy this city, then there had better be at least fifty good men living there.”

“If you’ll spare the city for fifty men, then you should probably spare it for forty-five.”

Abraham was a cunning haggler, and it was a skill that he would pass on to his generations of offspring until eventually it formed the basis of an unkind racial stereotype. Even God was impressed as Abraham whittled down the necessary number of good men to forty, then thirty, and finally a measly ten.

And God and Abraham agreed:

“If there are ten good men in the city of Sodom, then I will not destroy it. I promise.”

***

True to His word, God did not smite the city of Sodom (which savvy readers may note was the basis of a certain word ending in 'odomy'). Instead He developed a task force to perform a morality census.

He sent two of his best angels directly into the city to investigate. And while we cannot be sure, legend and the ensuing events tell us that angels, while human-like in appearance, glowed with an ethereal light. Their flesh untarnished, their smiles pearly white - this was quite the sight to behold in early Biblical times, still hundreds of years from the invention of soap.

This young Brad Pitt and George Clooney strolled into the city, shirtless (for what use would angels have of shirts?), and there they happened upon Lot, who was Abraham’s righteous nephew. Lot greeted the angels enthusiastically and, showing the same good manners his aunt and uncle had taught him, invited them home for tea and crumpets.

“You’re welcome to stay the night, if you’d like, and be on your way in the morning.”

The angels declined, not wanting to impose, and suggested they sleep in the city square. Lot would have none of this, and escorted the men to his home where, despite their protests, he served them tea and crumpets, followed by an elaborate feast.

The angels were rubbing their satiated, muscular bellies, when a loud knock was heard at Lot’s door.

Going to answer it, he found an assembly of townsmen on his doorstep and peaking anxiously through his windows.

“Lot, who are those men?”

Lot shrugged, for he did not know - they were strangers. This did not impress the mob.

“We saw you talking to them, and we saw them coming here.” The men insisted. “Who are they, and what are they doing here? Can we meet them?”

Lot noted an unsavory look in their eyes.

“We want to know them.” The men of Sodom insisted, and with this vaguely implied lechery, Lot had certainly heard enough.

“Those men are guests of my home!” He shouted to the restless crowd. “As their host, I must protect them. Please, just leave them alone.”

The men would not be appeased.

“Look,” Lot stated, panicking. “Those men are my guests, and I cannot let any harm come to them. That would be wrong. But, why don’t we compromise? I have two beautiful young daughters, and they’re virgins. Why don’t you just gang rape them, instead? Hell, do whatever you want to my virgin daughters! But please,” Lot insisted, gravely “Those strangers are my guests, and what you plan to do to them is sinful.”

The mob was no longer listening, and the men of the city surged forward. Just as they were about to smash in the door, Brad and George grabbed hold of Lot and pulled him inside. In a flash of searing light, the angels struck the mob blind (likely done with laser pointers).

Brad and George, no longer interested in a census, informed Lot of the imminent doom: “Get your sons-in-law, your children, and whoever you have in the city. Don’t look back, and try to make it to higher ground.” Lot paused, confused. “We’re angels, sent by God, and tomorrow at dawn we’re going to blow up your city.”

Lot thought then of his family, cowering together as their city burned. He, like his uncle Abraham, had yet to be blessed with a son. He had only daughters - parasitic and ungrateful daughters. It was at this point he went to his sons-in-law and informed them of the coming apocalypse.

“You told them, right?” His wife asked, insistently, as the family gathered in Lot’s home and prepared to flee. His two virgin, un-raped daughters hung close to his wife, and she was staring anxiously at the door. Their married daughters had yet to arrive.

“Of course I told them.” Lot replied truthfully. He had told his sons-in-law on the imminent doom they were facing, and they had listened. What he did not tell his wife was that he had passed off the warning as a hilarious joke, and then he had laughed heartily and left them to die.

The angels looked on at their host family with deep concern.

“Please, it’s almost dawn, and you need to get out of here.” Brad and George grasped the small family by the hands and led them to the gates of the city, as the distant East sky brightened and the city prepared to burn. Lot, terrified, began to cry.

“I don’t think we can make it to the mountains.” He whispered, leaning against Brad for support. “Thank you for trying to save us, but we’ll never make it out alive. My daughters walk ever so slowly, it’s no use! We’ll only make it to that tiny town over there.” He pointed, sadly, to the small town across the plane.

“Fine, then, we’ll try to spare that city from the fallout.” Brad consented, glancing over his shoulder at the nearing sun. He and George were beginning to feel anxious, eager to make their way to the city square, uncomfortable with the heavy feeling of the explosives strapped to their chests. They were ready to begin things, to destroy, and to end.

Lot and his family ran for the neighboring town, and as the sun rose they could feel the roar of thunder and the thick clouds of ash, spreading and smothering, across the planes of Jordan. God reigned down fire from the heavens, and the heat pressed the family on.

As they neared the town and safety, Lot’s wife looked back at the carnage. And here God saw fit to turn Lot's wife to a pillar of salt, where she remained and provided nutrients to grazing cattle in years to come.

***

Abraham saw the dark clouds on the horizon where he knew that town of Sodom to be, and he was sad for his nephew, and for the innocent men who had died there (though they numbered less than ten). And while his sadness was great, it was soon to be lifted, for Abraham had been blessed by God.

A short few months later, his wife, Sarah, bore Abraham a precious son.