Etiquette for Communicating - What YOU Need to Know

This is a Public Notice on the Joys of Communication:

There are approximately seventy-five different ways to send a message. Back in the day, there were only four: yelling loudly, sending a letter via the imperial postmaster, smoke signals, and pigeon carriers. Today, almost no one has a pigeon carrier (made unreliable by owls), or knows which wood to burn in sending clear, Morris-code smoke signal. But that’s okay. Because there are a whole rang of other options available, from FedExing to phoning to wall-posting on Facebook.

If new things scare you more than rabid mongeese with a lust for blood, you may be understandably afraid. But fear not…there are now so many different ways to communicate, you can skip out on one without missing too much. Don’t like MSN? Don’t use it. Don’t like Facebook? Well, you’ll have to call or text more often so that people remember you exist, but you’ll be okay. Fear talking on the phone? Send emails, or text, or assemble messages with cut-out-newspaper-letters and glue. The world is your gregarious oyster.

No matter what form of communication you choose to employ, it is still advisable to follow laws of Basic Etiquette. Etiquette is not about punctuation (as some English teachers would have you believe). It is about avoiding hurtful, annoying, or embarrassing situations which might arise when you interact with other people - as such, it is just as applicable to text msging as it is to pigeon carrying. If you live in a Society, then Basic Etiquette applies to you.

As such, please observe the following…because you are not special. Yes, the rules do apply to you.

Rules Governing the Use of Communication Within a Civilized Society

1. Drunk communication with ex lovers is an act to be avoided.

2. Any communication that is written down and/or publicly observable should be carefully considered, as such messages can easily be passed into the wrong hands or annoy unwitting observers who do not want to know the intimate details of your life. Discretion is key.

3. Be aware that your communication preferences and skill may not match those of the person you are communicating with. Since the point of communication is "communication," the use of illegible writing and/or excessive jargon should be avoided (unless the sender is certain that you're being understood), and alternative forms of communication should be made available whenever possible.

4. If you don’t want to use a form of communication which is available only by subscription to an account, then please don’t. BUT if you maintain an account AND use it solely for the purpose of complaining about said form of communication, OR if you refuse to acknowledge communication received via said account (without deleting said account), OR if you constantly complain about being "left out" because you don’t have whichever account, THEN I have grounds for throwing a large melon at your head.

5. There is a hierarchy of communication based on intimacy: the more personal contact or physical presence involved, the more intimate the communication (the more public or translated, the less intimate or more casual). In replying to a received communication (which is generally customary), an equal or greater form of intimacy should be employed (though an excessive ‘jump’ in intimacy should be avoided, lest one be labeled a stalker). For example, showing up on a person’s doorstep with flowers and a hand-written poem is pretty intimate - Twittering (Tweeting? Twatering?) is not. Most communications fall somewhere between these two on the intimacy spectrum.

6. And finally, all forms of mass communication are considered to be egregiously annoying. As such, all forwards, reply alls, automated messages, newsletters, megaphones, and group texts should be avoided or available only through subscription. Failure to comply is grounds for dismissal from society via ice-float.

And…that’s it. Good luck! And remember…you are not special. Obey.