Awesome Seven Happy Things of Doom

This list is inspired by the Happiest person I know. She lives a life of rainbow-infused lollipops, atop a pink unicorn, and is best described as a giant ball of human sunshine. She is incredibly skilled at seeing the bright side in every thing and every one, and is generally just an awesome human being in every conceivable way...intelligent, pretty, personable, empathetic...

If she weren't so wonderful, I may want to stab her a little bit.

Me: I am not a perfect picture of happiness…in fact, I may be the farthest thing from it. Left to my own devices, I have no doubt that I would be, at this very moment, curled up in a ball on the floor, wailing like a rabid banshee, drowning in a pool of my own tears, terribly, terribly, terribly alone. I have to work at happiness, and she is an uphill battle, and battles and work in general are not fun, and not having fun is the opposite of happiness…so really it’s quite the conundrum. To solve said dilemma, I enlist the help of the following list of my personal go-to Happy Things. Please peruse at your leisure.

1. Cover all cuts (but especially small superficial cuts that need to intervention whatsoever) with bright band-aids designed solely for children. Current example: my index finger has a paper cut over which I have placed a pink Hello Kitty band-aid…and now I am happy. Also, beige band-aids are kind of racist when you think about it. I just don’t understand anyone would buy a beige band-aid when there is a Sponge Bob alternative…no? Anyone?

2. Whenever possible, use brightly coloured markers. If possible, use miniature brightly coloured markers. Mini things are fundamentally happier, as a species.

3. Whenever writing a list, begin with words ‘Awesome,’ ‘Raditude,’ or equally splendiferous adjective. Alternatively, end lists with the words ‘of Doom.’ It makes grocery shopping and inventory a lot more fun.

4. Play with a puppy. If you do not have a puppy, find or borrow a puppy. Please do not steal a puppy. If all else fails, look at puppies online. Name said puppies random words that when applied to puppies become the cutest thing ever. To demonstrate (best done while picturing puppies): Pickle. Sweater-vest. Lord Voldemort. This is how my dog was named after a condiment. If you are not loudly exclaiming ‘eeee!’ at the thought of this…fine. Whatever. You have no soul.

5. When dealing with anyone who you strongly dislike, imagine them as an arch nemesis. Picture them with a cape, or a handlebar mustache to twirl while they scheme, or sitting in an oversized chair with a cat saying ‘So we meet again, Ms. Donegal.’ …My mind is a special place.
6. Read a children’s book. Preferably, a witty, well-written children’s book featuring a talking pigeon. I don’t know why, but the properly administered children’s book can totally make my day.

7. Gather evidence that God is trying to kill you, slowly and torturously, through his clever manipulation of public transit, weather forecasts, and roommates who will not get out of the freaking shower when you really need to pee. Admit that, when no less than eleven buses pass you going in the opposite direction, and then your bus driver stops to go get Tim Horton’s, and you arrive at work just late enough to make you look flaky without creating any real concern…you start to think of God as a kid in the playground who hasa crush and is acting out. That's right...God is an emotionally immature eight year old boy. It makes sense, and makes all life an exercise in the ridiculous. Luckily, you're in on the joke.

Go forth and be happy =)