And God Said Unto Moses

“Got Jesus?” Asks the sign of my neighborhood Pentecostal church, cleverly lampooning a commercial that aired a mere ten years ago, advertising milk. The sign makes all those warm, fuzzy feelings come flooding back until my throat closes up and I grab for my Epi pen…ahh, Christianity, I missed you so.

Church signage is a careful art, summarizing an entire philosophy on life and death, amusing members, gently reminding the strays of your flock to return, and peaking the interest of non-believers, all with less characters than your average Tweet. My favorite comes from the American Bible belt and sadly was only posted for a week last summer, declaring: “I kissed a girl, and I liked it, and then I went to Hell.”

What the members of the Southern Baptist congregation failed to grasp was a reference to the popular Katy Perry song, in which the reverend’s daughter got too brave drinking and lost her discretion, leading to a make-out session with…a girl! And she doesn't even know her name. For shame, Katy.

The sign was taken down after the posting minister received a flood of calls from a confused congregation, who wondered if he was trying to promote a procreation-only view of sex (where ‘liking’ a kiss is strictly forbidden, as kissing is simply a means to a disdained but dutiful, baby-making end). No, no, no, silly unsavvy American south, that’s not what he was trying to say at all. Sex is great, God-given fun, done within the confines of Holy matrimony. And you know who can’t get married? That's right, them God-forsaken Homosexuals.

Homosexuality, you see, is a one-way ticket to eternal damnation, so be wary of kissing girls (or guys), no matter how good the taste of their cherry chapstick…it won’t taste so good when you’re burning in the fire of Hades. So you should think on that, young teenagers, lest your screams go unheeded for all of eternity within a fiery inferno, because Homosexuality is a Sin, and the Bible tells me so.

This Biblical stance is what has Christians the world over digging in their heals and shaking their head on gay marriage. ‘Civil liberties and equal rights be damned,’ best said when stamping a foot for the emphasis, ‘homosexuals make me feel icky, and besides… It’s in Leviticus.’

Actually, homosexuality is not just in Leviticus - the Bible makes mention of intragendered sex not once, but twice. Raping of men is seen as a bad thing in the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah, transcribed above, though the issue is never addressed directly, and is more a commentary on the relative worth of men compared to women that anything to do with sex or love.

Leviticus is the most frequently cited passage because, at least comparatively, its reading is relatively clear:

‘Thou shalt not lie with a man as thou lies with a woman, for this is an abomination.’ (Leviticus, 18:22)

Leviticus was written by Moses in close consultation with God himself, who no one else ever saw or heard because God only talked to Moses when he was far away from other people, in this case on the top of Mount Sinai. It’s the third book of the Old Testament, which should make Christians wary - much of what is said this far back in the Bible is contradicted later on, often by Jesus himself, and therefore null and void (this is why Christians are allowed to eat shellfish and pork). But Jesus never mentions his gay friend, Nathan, and so we must act according to what Moses said, and Moses said it pretty clear: you cannot have sex with a man in an identical manner to the way you would have sex with a woman, for this is pretty bad in the eyes of God, amen.

This message only gets tarnished when you branch out a little and examine what else God decried in Leviticus. Leviticus is a giant book of rules, ranging from the mundane to the absurdly specific: do not have sex with a woman during her period, do not breed any of your of your livestock with a different species, and if you have sex with a slave woman who is promised to another man but who has not yet been set free to be married, then all will be forgiven if you take a ram to the entrance of the meeting hall to be sacrificed by a priest, and the man promised the slave woman may not kill you (Leviticus, 19:20-22).

Some colorful aspects of Judeo-Christian law come up in such rule-laden texts, and these are the parts you rarely hear about in Sunday school. I just spent a frustrating five minutes trying to Google the passage of Leviticus talking about parenting methods for difficult children, but that’s because the elusive passage was written in Deuteronomy, two books later:

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother and, though they chastise him, will not give heed, then his parents shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of the city, and say to the elders ‘This is our stubborn and rebellious son. He will not listen. He is a drunkard and a glutton.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones, and thus you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all of Israel shall hear, and fear.” (Deuteronomy 21:19-21)

[To finish the chapter, “And if a man has committed a crime punishable by death, put to death, and his body is hung on a tree (which of course is a natural place to put a body), you must not leave the body hanging overnight and must bury it the same day, for a hanged man is cursed by God and defiles the land God gave you.” (Deuteronomy 21:22-23)]

Needless to say, these passages aren’t frequently mentioned, despite a bumper crop of adult children who have yet to leave home. (‘Drunkard’ and ‘glutton,’ please. Moses is lucky he died before kids went to college.) Christians don’t frequently stone their wayward children, and most churches don’t even preach abstinence during a woman’s period…these passages simply aren’t considered relevant in our modern, enlightened times. From the Old Testament, Christians (and even Christian pastors) tend to dabble, taking what they please, and leaving the rest as a relic of the past.

So, back now to modern times, you or a loved one kissed and girl and liked it and are having a crisis of faith. What does the Bible say of such things? Well, in Leviticus it says that you shouldn't have sex with a man in the same way that you have sex with a woman. One chapter over, it says we should not trip the blind, pervert justice, or spread slander. And it mentions not doing anything that may endanger a neighbor’s life and to not harbor hate, and to never bear a grudge, love thy neighbor as thyself…or something like that.

It’s up to modern-day Christians to choose which passages should be highlighted, and preached about, and which messages are worth displaying on roadward signs. So go forth, God speed, and choose wisely.