Oh, Canada

Oh, Canada.

During the Opening Ceremonies of the Vancouver Games, the cameras kept cutting to the nematode-like face of Stephen Harper. This was, at first, upsetting - I was trying to have a good time and get into the spirit of the white-clad celebratory dancers in their puffy, puffy skirts - the face of Stephen Harper was not going to help anyone do that. But then, as the cameras panned back to show the face of other dignitaries, the jubilant cheer of Joe Biden, the broad smiles and practiced looks of pride, I had to wonder...is Stephen Harper capable of smiling??

The man, with his greyish, pasty pallor, and his beautiful, lesbos, news anchor hair...he does not know how to smile. He never has. Not once, ever, have his lips parted to reveal his perfectly nice, aligned teeth. And as a practiced shut-lipped smiler myself, I know that there’s a way to smile without revealing teeth that, while not jubilant or cheery, certainly conveys the message that you are, at least, trying to look a little happy. But not Harper.

He looks...bored. Despondent. Like a nematode. And as I continue to relay the inappropriateness of his face to friends and family, laughing at his expense, I begin to wonder...does Stephen Harper have Bush-like potential??

Because Bush was a very hateful and even evil president, but as a man, he never really bothered me. The problem was the systems which has put such a man into power and supported him along the way - the American populous, the Republican party, Bush senior, Cheney, oil executives, the CIA, Fox news, and so on - but poor George W. himself was just a horribly incompetent man. All he wanted was to roam free on a farm somewhere, shooting turkeys, drinking whiskey, talking about those damn Arabs.

Laughable, but lovable...that was Bush, to me. Terrifying when wielding even an ounce of power, sure, but...awww, he’s just a weird, racist old man who doesn’t know any better.

Now, I spent the better part of a year convinced that Stephen Harper could shoot laser beams from his eyeballs, so sweet, racist Southerner is not a look he’ll ever pull off. His look is best described as chilling, and sometimes, nausea-and-hives inducing. It’s a little like corporate evil, personified - the sort of person who, if they were to kiss a baby, would open their mouth wide, Dementor-style, and suck out the baby's soul.

But still...demonic nematode that he may be, Stephen Harper doesn’t seem happy. He’s not enjoying himself, licking his lips as he sucks the marrow from our country, tap-dancing as he demolishes our environmental accords...he’s not celebrating at all. The man doesn’t even know how to smile. He’s kind of...sad. Not in a capable-of-feeling, emotion-y way, but in a broken, robotic, ‘does not compute,’ ‘what is this wetness leaking from their eyes,’ programmed-to-destroy-but-secretly-wonders-what-it-would-be-like-to-receive-a-hug, kind-of way.

And whatever caricature we depict him as, he really is, in the end, a sad cartoon. A sad, incompetent, evil cartoon. God bless, Stephen Harper; I hope for your sake, and everyone else’s, it will all be over soon.