I'm Not a Doctor, and that's probably a good thing

When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. Or, if you're me, think of tapirs, a species native to Malaysia and Central and South America, whose body resembles the capybara, which is actually a type of rodent.

And if you're my sister, and you're awesome (which you likely are - awesomeness is genetic), you will bestow unto me the following perfect gift - "The Complete Manual of Things That Might KILL YOU - A Guide to Self Diagnosis for Hypochondriacs." The only thing that could make this book better is if the title replaced "could" kill with "definitely will, and soon."

Unlike many similar-looking gimicky books, which are designed purely for the amusement of the book-giver (as in "You have an awkward personality trait! Look! A novelty gift which allows me to highlight the awkwardness of your personality trait!"), the inside is actually brimming with useful facts and information which not only encourage, but aid my exotic pathogen discovery. For example, did you know that  mosquitoes (only the females of which suck blood) inject anticoagulants into a mammal's blood - and that this secretion is the major transmitter of diseases like malaria and elephantiasis? Or that the odds of getting leukemia within your lifetime, for the average man, is 1 in 67? Or that bilateral, surgical mammomegaly is the root-latin word for a boob job?

All this information, and more, is conveniently gathered at my fingertips, along with handy flow-charts and a rating system highlighting contagion, lethality, and a 1 to 5 scale for pain and suffering. Eeee!

But my love of obscure diseases is not just about my own neurotic amusement. For example, last week, a real live doctor (specializing in neurology) diagnosed my mother's husband with 'migraines of the stomach, for lack of a better term.' My own diagnosis, given a week prior: Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, the medical term for migraines affecting the stomach. Unlike my mother's migraines, which I've determined are caused by Arteriovenous Angiomas, or raspberry shaped pustules leaking blood into her brain. ...See? Hypochondria enriches lives!

And now, a math formula which perfectly summarizes my day, because math, like the latin routes of medical terms, is very cool:

(Hours of Sleep Last Night * Waking Hours Spent Watching Videos on College Humor) + Smelly Coefficient (which is greater or equal to the number of clothes on your floor divided by how many clean underpants you regularly have available when you choose to do the laundry)...equals one over the Odds of My Cleaning the Toilet by Sundown. (This formula has been proven accurate according to Modern-Day Science.)

Goodnight =)