Shit, Assholes, and You

Shit happens, and sooner or later, shit is going to happen to someone you care about.

This is unfortunate, because most people are not well versed in the task of dealing with shit.

This makes sense - shit is uncomfortable, and it is smelly, and a healthy and self-interested individual does their best to avoid shit whenever they can. Unfortunately, sooner or later it will happen to you or someone in your life, and when it does your reaction will be one which renders you a supportive loved one or, more likely, an incompetent, insensitive asshole.

Since no one intends to be an insensitive asshole, we must address the fact that there are a great deal of people out there that want to do the right thing and simply don’t know how. They are unwitting assholes, if you will. And since no one likes calling someone an unwitting asshole to their face, I will use the medium of the internet weblog to facilitate: You, sir, reading this, are likely an Asshole, whether you know it or not. But there is good news…You don’t have to be!

Please follow this step-by-step guide to your future as a supportive and caring loved one, and put an end to your uncomfortable history of crude jokes, missed calls, and awkward silence.

1. If someone you care about it having a rough time, this likely will make you sad, frustrated, or even angry. While you can vocalize those emotions to your friend or family, acting them out or taking them out directly are likely to make things much worse. Sobbing every time you look at your cancerous friend? Not great. Hysterically yelling at your depressed colleague? Unhelpful. Saying: ‘It makes me feel helpless and sad to see you this way’ or ‘I’m so angry at the person who did this to you,’ stated at normal volume…Yay! Supportive!

The person you’re supporting likely is experiencing some of the same emotions you are…sharing how you feel is a kind of direct connection which can make them feel less alone. But acting out emotions puts your loved one in a position of having to support you, or, worse, just makes them scared and uncomfortable in your presence. Proceed with caution.

2. Support yourself. Never take on more that you can reasonably manage, and use other support systems to get you through this rough period. Encourage your loved one to seek other supports, and do the same for yourself. No matter how loving and competent, one person is rarely enough - and the desire to do anything and everything you can will often lead to fatigue, resentment, or general unhappiness. This is a bad thing for everyone.

Try to avoid comparing your pain to that of the person you’re supporting. Their pain doesn’t negate the fact that you, in caring about a person in pain, may also be experiencing some pain of your own. Take a day off, see other friends, and make sure you’re injecting enough joy into your own life to keep your caring activities sustainable.

3. Don’t bring up your own shit in an effort to relate to another's shittiness. Your role is to support, and part of supporting can be relating - but only if you’re self-aware enough to bring the conversation back to the person in need.

Far too many people will delve into their own lives and wallow, consequently putting the person in pain into a supportive role. You can tell them of your experience, briefly, or focus on what made things better during your difficult time…but then move on.

4. Think of sadness as the absence of joy.

In expressing your frustration or fears to your friend, or in taking time to care for yourself, you may stumble upon the belief that your friend, in their difficult time, is causing you pain and sadness. This, fortunately, is simply not very true.

The pain of a loved one does hurt - but only as much as you care about that person. Along that line of thinking, a friend’s illness is painful because their health brings you joy; their absence is harrowing only as much as their presence brought you happiness. The negative feelings that tragedies bring is very much the absence or loss of a positive - an assumed future together, the energy of good health, the comfort and pleasure derived from spending time with said person. These absences do hurt, a lot, but we’re a lot more able to cope if we understand their source - the loss of a positive.

A person who’s depressed will often claim that they feel like a source of pain to others - make sure to express that (you now know) this isn’t true. And if you yourself are feeling engrossed in pain and depression, it’s a good cue to step out and take care of yourself before returning to support your loved one. Again, sadness is the absence of joy - so get yourself some joy. Puppies, children’s books, happy dances, a feeling of accomplishment in another area of life…all good, joyful things.

5. Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away - but many people, in times of crisis, retreat to this age-old belief. They fervently avoid the topic of whatever is causing present shitiness, or avoid the afflicted person like the plague. Unless the person actually does have the plague (or something equally contagious), avoidance is a pretty insensitive and asshole-esque thing to do. So please, don’t.

Many people fear that the person-in-question is tired of talking about whatever it is that’s causing them pain…and this is sometimes true. Many others, however, have been dealing with elephant-in-the-room syndrome and would love for the topic to be addressed directly, and either way, bringing it up is the right thing to do. From there, take your cues from them - if they say they don’t want to talk about it, let it go, but remind them later that the offer to talk (about whatever) stands. This is a key skill for those wishing to be supportive.

For those who would rather run for the hills, please remember that the experience of shitiness of often a very isolating one, and your presence is usually greatly appreciated. The person may not be able to ask for help or love when they need it, and even if you’re not a usual support person or a BFF, you can provide a much-needed escape from the realities of being engulfed in a flaming pile of shit.

Try to be aware that the person may have limited energy and is not there to entertain you…you are there to support them. And for god sake don’t invite your friend with skin cancer to go sun tanning at the beach, or anything equally callous…this is a one-way ticket to an irretrievable realm of assholedom.

6. The topic of ignoring can also be applied to emotions themselves. A person experiencing shitiness of whatever cause is likely to be feeling a lot of sadness, fear, or anger. Ignoring those feelings, or trying to distract the person with something shiny, is not a great coping method. Emotions simply…are. Distraction can be nice and make someone temporarily feel better, but eventually they’re going to return to whatever was bothering them to begin with, assuming it’s something fairly big.

Acknowledging and naming emotions, and sitting with whatever implications they bring, is often the only thing that a person can do. It can also be a hugely supportive act - many, many people feel that they should not feel a certain way, or that they are wrong to address their feelings directly to others. A well-timed ‘of course you’re angry - it was awful what happened,’ or ‘I can see how sad this is making you,’ can be some of the most understanding things that a person can say.

7. Address untrue statements if they come up…but only ones you can reasonably disprove.

Some people in pain will use untrue statements as a way to test their supporter. A declaration of ‘nobody loves me!’ or ‘I’m so ugly,’ is an opportunity for the listener to disagree. While this fishing for compliments can be annoying, now is probably neither the time or place to address the behaviour. Give in. Remind the person that you care or that you think they are gorgeous…They need to hear it right now. Alternatively, support the emotion, while making your disagreement clear. ‘It must suck to feel that way,’ or ‘I disagree, but I’ve definitely had times where I’ve felt ugly, too.’

Other statements may represent a genuine truth from that person’s perspective - they genuinely feel hideous or unlovable. They may feel as though their current situation is never going to end, or that they will never get through it…if you see a clear silver lining that you feel they are missing out on, it’s probably worth bringing up. Don’t argue the point, and don’t negate their emotions in the process - they can feel like this pain is going to last forever and know that it will be entirely over by Tuesday…the brain is a very special place where such points are allowed to coexist.

And some points might be entirely irrefutable. A person may genuinely want to die, or may really have lost all hope. Things may not get better. These are realities which exist, and the listener will be hard pressed to disprove them. You don’t have to agree - but the person feels that way, and you as their friend can support their emotion, whether or not they turn out to be based in fact. Feeling sad that they are sad, or sad that they feel that there is no hope, may be all that you can do in such moments.

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And those seven points, my friend, are the Key to Not Being An Insensitive Asshole. Apply liberally and often for best results.