Viva la Revolution de la Coke Diète

Every day, I drink a litre or more of Diet Coke.

The health effects…well…they aren’t good. Diet Coke is a favourite among anorexics - in fact, the link between anorexia and osteoporosis is almost fully accounted for by its aspartamey goodness, which provides a hit of caffeine and sweetness to keep your eating disordered teen going for another three days without more than two calories.

I am not anorexic, but I am underweight and have questionable eating habits, so the analogies are pretty fair here - I use the caffeine to boost my energy. I use the sweetness of aspartame, as well as the large injection of carbonated liquid, to make me feel like I’ve eaten when in fact all calories are negligible. And in the process, I soak my teeth in acid, which will inevitably lead to erosion (I’m hoping by then I’ll have a dental plan). The phosphorus content leaches calcium from my bones, putting me at risk of osteoporosis, and there’s also a fun link to depression which I should probably look into. And there’s a slight dehydration and diuretic effect, which occasionally rears its ugly head in the form of me passing out. None of which are great things.

I’ve vowed to quit a dozen or more times. I think it’s a bit trashy. It doesn’t even taste that good. But…no. I want it. I can’t wake up without it. It is my sickly sweet elixir of happiness, and if you take it away, I will be none too pleased.

Unfortunately, our days together may be numbered.

A legislator in New York state is pushing a Soda Tax - a penny per ounce charge which will make soft drinks prohibitively expensive, and your author very sad. The reason is, ironically, obesity, but don’t expect legislators to spare the diet cola varieties - as I’ve noted above, they aren’t great for you, either.

The rise in obesity rates have forced the hand of governments seeking to modify consumer behaviour through taxation (this method isn't super effective, but never mind). Fast food items, chocolate bars, and my beloved Diet Coke are items of frequent target. Today, when I buy a chocolate egg to celebrate the death of Christ, I will pay a government tax from which most other food items are exempt - because apparently junk food isn’t 'food,' and that extra penny or two will make me think hard about my choices. Not likely (and also, health mongers, why the hell aren't you taxing Cheese?) - but an expensive tax, like those on alcohol or cigarettes, might have me rethinking my choices in the soda department. I just can’t afford another dollar of taxes per 2 Litre bottle - I’m already paying a recycling deposit I never collect on, and some other extra special taxes I don’t understand, plus the GST…it’s all a bit too much.

The underweight population has more of a reason to dig their heals in - calories are calories. We don’t eat well, but that fast food meal, or chocolate egg, or Dr. Pepper - we need those to live. Being underweight is about twice as dangerous to your health compared to being overweight, so if anything, the government should subsidize my chocolate. But we’re only a small percentage of the population, us wee waifs, so we're easily ignored. And on the soft drink front, it doesn’t really matter, anyways. Where regular cola keeps the overweight overweight, Diet Coke keeps the underweight underweight, and the anorexics anorexic. So…I guess, from a health perspective, I should be in favor of this tax, right?

Hells No.

Caffeine is a drug. You can’t just take away someone’s drug without expecting a whole bunch of shit to go down. Sure, I could drink coffee, but it really hurts my stomach and dyes me teeth (plus it exploits third world workers in a way that aspartame never did). I could drink Red Bull, and probably would, but it would only be a matter of time before you took that one away, too. So, rather than take up snorting cocaine in a back alley, I have come to the following solution:

If you take away my Diet Coke, I will take up smoking.

I will smoke a pack a day - just to stick it to the man. I will die a painful death of emphysema, and my second hand smoke will make all the overweight children's diabetes worse, and I don’t care. If you make my Diet Coke as expensive as cigarettes, this is how it’s going to be. Expect every anorexic and underweight drinker in the world to follow suit - torches of freedom they are, and I will puff away at that filtered teat of resistance until my lung have long since turned to coal.

The only reason that Diet Coke drinkers aren’t smoking right now, for that stimulant rush of nicotine and the meal replacement qualities of deep breaths of toxic air, is the price different. If you take that away, we will smoke, and we will sacrifice our supple lung tissues with angsty, spiteful rage. I hope you’re prepared for this, government. I know I am.