Drought of Blog Posts, Flood of Angst

Apologies to my invisible (and pretend) readers, or I really should say my former readers, because when you only write for a month and then take almost two weeks off, you probably kill whatever following you have.

(Special apology to my self proclaimed Biggest Fan - your flattery makes me want to be a better writer, and live out my life on a Hawaiian island with a goat named Darwin and do nothing all day but sip pineapple wine and write about angst. And really, I suspect you are my only fan, so the 'Biggest' is entirely unnecessary. You could have declared "polite interest, if there's nothing good on tv and I'm especially bored," and I would have been thrilled.)

But on to my excuses: I was sick. Really, actually, I was...I got a cold. And then I convinced myself that my cold was pneumonia, because I get increasingly angsty and fatalistic when I'm sick. And then I got a headache, right where my (fictional) brain tumor, Steve, is likely located. And then I was sick and had a headache and began to convince myself that my fictional, symbolic brain tumor was an actual, malignant brain tumor, and panicked. I imagined myself disabled and dying for a prolonged period of time - five years, at the least - while I underwent radiation again and again and eventually died of a bedsore in my cramped childhood bedroom, my family members financially and emotionally exhausted, brimming with resentment, my Vancouver friends all but forgotten... Anyways, the point being: Not Fun.

I realized that, in freaking out (especially after my neurologist appointment was rescheduled, leaving me anxious and waiting for an additional month), that I was acting like a crazy person. This realization, however, did not make me feel better. In fact, telling someone that they're acting like a crazy person, when they're genuinely acting like a crazy person, is just never a good idea.

So, I cried, and felt crazy, and worried about my future as a hypochondriac with brain cancer. When my headache kept me up all night, I finally booked a doctor's appointment - I bit my tongue and did not mention Steve by name. The doctor did a basic exam and declared: Sinus Infection. I blinked, and nodded, and took some free drug samples to make it go away. It eventually did. I spent almost an entire week dozing on the couch, and then begrudgingly returned to work today.

And that, readers, is why I haven't been blogging.

Apologies, again...I can and will do better. I have a lot of rants built up, just for you. Stay tuned.